


you want hollywood and this is real life

by eriev



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Canon Bisexual Character, Cheesy Awkward Teen Romance, Didn't Know They Were Dating, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humanstuck, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24025102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eriev/pseuds/eriev
Summary: Dave wants to ask Karkat to turn their completely platonic anti-Homecoming outing into a date, while Karkat is twelve steps ahead of him.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 114





	you want hollywood and this is real life

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Jukebox the Ghost’s [Hollywood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5OWwSlBHU4).
> 
> I used [this site](http://www.homestuck5.com/) to help with the Pesterlog formatting.
> 
> Warnings: some brief light internalized homophobia, briefly referenced past abuse, and also not-quite-spoilers for __  
> Avengers: Endgame.

Dave briefly entertained the idea of tossing the bouquet into the bushes, then running home to ask Dirk to tell Karkat he died. Roxy could hack into a government database and forge Dave a new identity somewhere on the other side of the country. 

Before he could decide his new alias, his phone pinged.

TT: Are you an eldritch horror? Because I find you maddening.  
TG: what the fuck rose  
TT: You don’t think Kanaya’ll like it?  
TT: Fuck, what am I thinking. Of course she won’t.  
TG: you know shell love any bullshit that spews out of your mouth youre just hells of nervous right now  
TT: You’re as nervous as I am. If not moreso.  
TT: Oh god she’s here.  
TG: good luck

Rose freaking out just as badly as he was provided some comfort. If her composure could crack, certainly his being sweaty and jittery wasn’t such a big deal.

The sound of muffled shouting from inside made his heart race. The door opened and Karkat’s frustrated expression transformed into a shy grin that banished all thoughts of faking his own death from Dave’s mind. That shy grin had been cropping up more often, ever since he and Karkat had gone to see _Isn’t It Romantic_ at the local cinema about two weeks ago, a change of pace from their usual weekly movie nights at one of their houses. Dave was relieved to see he wasn’t overdressed; he had originally planned to wear a tuxedo shirt and a pair of gym shorts before deciding that tonight was the night he was going to bite the proverbial gay bullet. Karkat’s grey button-down shirt and slacks were an upgrade from his usual attire and his messy black hair had been wrangled into somewhere in the ballpark of tidy. A light dusting of blush had been applied to his brown cheeks, and was he wearing eyeliner? Dave’s stomach flipped pleasantly. 

Karkat stepped out onto the porch, slamming the door shut behind him. A muffled ‘you’re placing more wear and tear on the door and we’re going to have to replace it,’ came from inside. Karkat cursed Kankri’s name under his breath, then pointed to the bouquet and said, “Are those for me?”

“Yeah, they could be if you want them.” Dave held out the bouquet, his other hand stroking the side of his neck. Why was this a romantic trope? What use did people even have for flowers? “Rose bought them to give to Kanaya, but had a last minute freakout that they wouldn’t match Kanaya’s dress or whatever or she’d hate them and never speak to her again, like that’s less likely than an asteroid crashing into the school and ruining the chance that Rose’ll actually work up the courage to ask her be her girlfriend. I was thinkin’ they might block out your rank stench.”

“Fuck you,” said Karkat, taking the bouquet. “And thanks; I love them.” Dave hoped he couldn’t feel Dave’s gross palm sweat on the wrapping, but he felt victorious at pulling off a romantic stunt with the right amount of plausible deniability. Karkat sniffed the flowers and pulled out the card in the middle of the bouquet, which Dave had forgotten to remove like an idiot when he realized its inclusion was a Bad Idea. Fuck. Dave’s heart hammered in his chest, blood rushing to his cheeks. Maybe an asteroid would strike _him_ down. Karkat looked the card over and laughed. “Rose bought Kanaya a bouquet made out to me?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what happened. Both your names start with ‘K’ and Rose is pretty much a wreck, so we’ll forgive her for being confused and move on and never mention this again.”

“Uh-huh. And she also drew this porkchop-mouthed monstrosity?” Karkat held out the card, which had the incriminating words for karkat as well as an image of a crudely drawn figure with messy hair and a screaming mouth riding a dick. Dave had thought it was pretty funny at the time, but he now regretted every single one of his life decisions.

“Yep. Art isn’t her forte; she’s a newbie artist who has to take inspiration from somewhere like she’s Marcel Duchamp and I’m Leonardo Di Caprio. Someday she’ll branch out and develop her own style when the muse calls her but right now she can only riff off my masterpieces.”

“Hahaha! Okay. So. Did you have anything in particular planned for our anti-Homecoming?” Okay. Karkat wasn’t running for the hills just yet. Perhaps Dave could still salvage this trainwreck.

“Yeah. I was thinkin’ dinner? There’s a great restaurant nearby; Yelp reviews were really praising the ambiance. If strangers on the internet think it’s good, who are we to disagree? Fuck, unless you’ve eaten already.”

“Dinner sounds good to me.”

Karkat briefly went inside to put away the bouquet before they headed out. Karkat’s arm brushed against his as they made their way down the sidewalk, and having permitted himself to feel elated rather than frightened at the swooping feeling in his gut at Karkat’s touch, Dave smiled.

❀.*｡･

“I hope you weren’t planning on us eating at Wendy’s,” Karkat said when they saw an ambulance parked in front of it.

“No,” Dave lied. Maybe this was his chance to take Karkat to a fancy restaurant and really sweep him off his feet. A sincere gesture of romance, meaning a sincere burden on his wallet. “Who do you take me for? Only the best for you, dude.” Was this what flirting was? Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“I don’t mind eating wherever, but I could go for some meat. Kankri’s on an environmentalist vegan kick and he’s the one buying groceries, so this entire week has been nothing but kale. And all attempts at trying to explain what a GMO actually is to the festering pustule I’m unfortunately related to have, to no one’s surprise, been met with less successful results than talking to a concussed brick wall!”

Dave was only half-listening to Karkat’s rant, which was fortunate because his lack of filter would have led to him saying that Karkat was welcome to his sausage any time. He pulled out his phone, looking for restaurants within a short radius. Where was a place with actual sit down tables and waiters? “Hey, there’s an Olive Garden a couple blocks that way.” 

Karkat shrugged. “That works.” 

They walked on the opposite side of the street from the Wendy’s; Dave hoped no one had died and that it wasn't a bad omen for the rest of the night. “So, uh, you went over to hang out with Sollux today?”

“Yeah, I spent five hours at his place. He hadn’t gone outside in literal _days_ and I had to shove his sorry ass out the door to get him to walk around the neighborhood and remind him that natural light will not make him go up in flames.”

“Yeah, I know. You were whining that Kanaya was taking forever to pick you up because she was getting her hair done.”

“It wasn’t too bad until Sollux’s asshole brother decided to invite his six closest friends over and play music like they don’t have functioning eardrums. It was worse than the mind-numbing sounds you manage to create.”

“Protest all you want, but I see you tapping your feet whenever I’m laying down the sick beats. I’m pretty sure the only reason you like me is because you’re desperate for the faintest slice of my musical stylings, like the world of rap is a potluck and I’m the only one who brought a good dish. Don’t worry, Karkat; when I go platinum, I’ll save a signed record just for you.”

“I don't like you because of your 'sick beats.' Even if a select few of them are pretty good.” Dave had it on good authority (read: Kanaya) that Karkat deeply enjoyed his music and argued about it with people with poorer taste than he had (read: Kanaya).

Hence part of his plan to ask Karkat to make this a legitimate date. He was making this happen. “I, uh, may have written a couple songs for tonight. Yanno, cause we’re missing out on all the shitty top 40’s hits at Homecoming.”

“Oh,” said Karkat. “Can you send them to me? Right now?”

Nope, he was not ready for this. His stomach churned, and he didn’t know if he could force anything down his throat, but he was going to pass out if he didn’t. “I think I wanna eat first. I’m feeling kinda, uh. We can walk around after dinner and you could listen then?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.” Karkat’s brow furrowed. “Are you okay, Dave?”

No, he was not. How had Karkat not seen though his charade and put him out of his misery, either by telling him he reciprocated Dave’s feelings and they could ride off into the sunset together, or by saying the situation was getting uncomfortably gay—no, he wouldn’t say that; he was bi and he’d always been bothered by Dave’s fixation on maintaining the mask of heterosexuality—and he never wanted to speak to him again? “Never better, dude. Just don’t understand why a guy can’t be excited to share a dope meal with his best friend at a fancy restaurant and shoot the shit like normal and then pay for both their meals with the money he definitely hasn’t been saving for this occasion.”

“Maybe shoving some food in your face will shut you up long enough so you can think through your emotions and tell me why you’re being so jumpy.”

 _I’d like an excuse for me to shut up too,_ Dave thought.

❀.*｡･

Dinner went well, with Dave successfully dodging Karkat’s inquiries into why he was nervous by getting him to rant about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Dave loved the explosions and spectacle, while Karkat loved ranting about how the character and romantic arcs could have been better handled (“Steve’s and Peggy’s romance was beautiful and tragic in every movie before this, and that was the whole fucking point! They didn’t need to ruin his entire goddamn character arc—that they wrote—while ignoring the potential avenues for his relationship development with Bucky and Sam!”). He paid for both their meals while Karkat was in the bathroom, and they headed out into the October evening.

Rich hues of orange, purple, and crimson were painted across the sky as the sun sunk below the horizon. The fading light cast an ethereal glow on the rounded planes of Karkat’s face. Karkat’s hand brushed against Dave’s as they walked to the nearby park, and the points of warmth where their bare skin touched made Dave feel as though he was going to burst into flames and would love every second of it.

Physical touch used to frighten Dave as much as it elated him. It took him over a year after Bro’s death and his subsequent move-in with Dirk and Uncle Dane to stop apologizing every time he wanted to hug his sister or cousins or friends, to realize that physical comfort could extend further than half-hearted apology stitches after a beatdown. 

Karkat was still going on about _Avengers: Endgame._ “You know who I forgot about until literally this very moment? And who wasn’t mentioned in the movie at all? Vision!”

It took Dave a second to remember which character Karkat was talking about. “Yeah, it’s probably because he ceased to be interesting the second he stopped being Tony’s awesome AI butler. There are characters in your romcoms with more depth, and those are already shallow puddles.”

“I will remind you for the thousandth time: romcoms are _character-driven films_ by design! They are nothing but filled with complex character motivations and development. Meanwhile, we get one random timeskip, and all of a sudden Vision and Wanda are in love?” 

“Hey, I’m not arguing they’re about as fascinating as a slice of white bread,” said Dave. 

They had reached the park. A couple walked past them with a white husky that reminded Dave of Jade’s dog, Bec. Trees in the middle of their transformation from green to their autumn shades lined an asphalt path, and Dave saw a bench up ahead where they could sit. He grabbed Karkat’s hand nervously and pulled him along. Karkat didn’t pull away, which was a promising sign. Dave plopped down on the bench and pulled out his phone and his earbuds. “You’re gonna want to sit down for this one, because these beats are so ill they’ll make you dizzy and pass out before you’ve gotten through the first loop of the song.”

Karkat sat down beside him. “Uh-huh. Should we have an ambulance on standby, then?”

“Shit, that might be a good idea with the condition these beats are in. It’s like they woke this morning and felt like they took a baseball bat to the fuckin’ head. Then they noticed weird glowing lumps on their arms and now they can’t stop shivering like they’ve gone outside naked in a blizzard, but it’s the middle of October. If their symptoms get any worse, we’re gonna have to drive ‘em to the hospital.” 

“I’m confused. Are the beats sick, or are the beats going to make me sick?”

“Both, bro. That’s what makes them contagious.”

Karkat snorted. “Haha! So are we going to keep talking about them, or are you actually going to let me listen to them?”

“Yeah, keep your fuckin’ pants on.” Dave held out an earbud and when Karkat put it in his ear, Dave hit play. Clocking in at around two minutes, the song was a low-fi beat he had layered over a synth riff and a guitar sample Jade had sent him once, with a few _C’mons_ sprinkled in for good measure. Karkat was quiet as he listened, his expression content. His fingers beat a steady rhythm on his knee in sync with Dave’s music.

The heat of Karkat’s leg against his own seeped into his bones, and Dave debated resting his hand on Karkat’s knee—would he permit the touch? Would he scramble to the other end of the bench? It wasn’t like they hadn’t cuddled before; Dave had a bad case of what Rose called ‘touch starvation’ and despite how terminally uncool it was, Karkat indulged him, especially during movie nights. He’d fry his brain watching a barrage of unrealistic dialogue and uninspired cinematography if it meant leaning against or spooning Karkat. For all of Karkat’s disparaging comments about his weight, Dave loved how soft and round he was. 

The song faded out, and Dave pressed pause before the next one could start. “So, just checkin’; I don’t need to drag your ass to urgent care?”

“I liked it,” said Karkat. “But if the goal was to make me sick, then that song failed on every conceivable level.”

“I’ll just have to keep trying, then.” His heart in his throat, Dave pressed play on the next song.

A few bars in, Karkat pulled out the earbud and reached for Dave's phone, which Dave quickly locked and held at arm’s length. Karkat scrambled to get ahold of it, but Dave, who had anticipated this reaction, was too fast. “Give me the fucking phone! I'm deleting it! Why did you use my shitty voice? To remind me that I sound like I have a perpetual cold?” 

“You can't delete it; this song is on the cloud and that shit's eternal. Hundreds of years from now when humanity is extinct, alien cultures will study this song as a primo example of earth music.”

“Hmmph. You're the worst.” 

“Besides man, your voice is great for this song, just the right amount of raspy.” When he and Karkat had met four years previously, his perpetual loud voice had resonated at the right frequency to piss Dave off, but they became friends somewhere between Terezi dumping him and being forced to work together on a home ec assignment. Compared to the oppressive silence he grew up with, Karkat’s expressive voice was a breath of fresh air. He didn't know what he'd do if Karkat legitimately hated it, so he tried not to let his thoughts go down that road. “Now shut up and listen.”

“If that’ll end the misery sooner, then fine.” Dave started the song at the beginning, refusing to look at Karkat’s face as it played. A synthetic drum beat started, soon accompanied by a synth riff. Karkat’s voice joined the party, rambling over the track.

This particular recording was from a month ago. He started recording as a joke because Karkat was throwing a pretty hilarious shitfit, but had later forgotten to stop recording when they stopped fucking around and he taught Karkat to mix. Dave countered every disparaging comment Karkat made about his mistakes with “wait, try this instead”s and “don’t be so hard on yourself, that actually sounds pretty rad”s. It had taken a while, but Karkat’s proud expression when they finished rendering his first track had been more than worth the effort.

So he tried to structure the song as a duet, with his encouragement battling with Karkat’s self-deprecation. He had originally been proud of the end result, but doubt had begun to encroach as the seconds ticked by. Dave’s breaths quickened and his chest felt tight, as though he had been wearing his binder too long. Karkat was going to correctly think this was an incredibly stupid gesture and never speak to him again and hahaha Dave was doing a spectacular job at fucking up this friendship that meant so much—

A gentle pressure was applied to his hand, and Dave looked from where he had been determinately staring into the distance to Karkat’s hand covering his own. He followed the line of Karkat’s arm to his face. Tears welled at the corners of Karkat’s eyes, but he was smiling. “I. I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but you somehow managed to make me sound tolerable. I loved it, Dave. Thanks.” 

“Oh, um.” Why would his mouth not make words. This was not a problem Dave usually encountered. “No problem, man.” 

“Could you send me those songs?”

“Yeah,” said Dave, his mouth dry. All he had to do was segue into this next bit. “Alright, I’m just gonna cut straight to the chase. We’re ripping off this bandaid to reveal the gaping wound beneath. You mighta noticed I’ve been a _bit_ nervous tonight?”

“I already asked you about it and you repeatedly changed the subject, yes.”

“So, yeah. I’ve had a great time tonight so far, and you’ve got a mad poker face but I think you’ve also been enjoying this completely platonic bromantic affair—”

“You do realize you can just use the term ‘date,’ right, without trying to hide your sincerity behind a transparent brick wall of irony and ‘no homo’ jokes? It’s been over two weeks since our first date.”

“Wait… what the fuck, dude?”

“I _mean_ that I understand why you’re hesitant. You’ve made a lot of great progress getting over bullshit societal hangups, but you can’t control when some part of your psyche is going to knock you out like a terrible video game character and make you start at the beginning of the level! I know what we have is pretty new, but it’s just me. It’s just us, okay?”

What. Had Dave been freaking out over nothing? Yeah, Karkat knew he was not-straight because they had talked about it, but he also apparently knew he was _into him?_ And he hadn’t made any moves? Sure, they cuddled and fell asleep on each other, but that was par for the course with their friendship. “We're not already dating? I’m pretty sure I would know!”

Karkat stamped his foot and raised his voice. “Are you serious?! We are literally holding hands right now. Sitting on a park bench in the middle of a moonlit stroll. After leaving a goddamn fancy restaurant. Forgive me for giving you too much credit!” As soon as Karkat said that, Dave pulled back like he’d been burned. “Oh my god. Fuck!”

“Wait. So, you _are definitely_ into me, then? Right? I’m not weaving a tapestry of romantic intent out of thin air and hopes and dreams?”

“Amazing! Look who’s finally caught on!” Karkat looked about ready to tear out his hair, his eyes bright and wild, and Dave felt his anxiety dissipate and laughter bubble up in his chest. Karkat let out a screech, stood up, and began gesticulating wildly. “Sure, why not laugh, asshole! I’m certain this whole thing is one monumental fucking joke to you, you cockmunching shitstain! _Wow,_ great job, past Karkat, you braindead presumptuous sack of shit! You actually managed to convince yourself that your romantic life could be even a little successful, once more failing to fucking comprehend the most universal of facts: the rug will be ripped out from under you as soon as you start to feel the least bit secure! What did you expect, thinking you could start a relationship with Dave ‘complete misuse of the term irony’ Strider!”

“Hahaha… Karkat, calm the fuck down, okay. Just listen to me…” 

“No! Fuck you! And fuck me for ever liking you!”

“Please Karkat, just listen.” Dave grabbed Karkat’s hand between two of his own, trying to pull him back onto the bench. “I’m not laughing because you’re into me; holy shit, that’s the best thing I ever heard. I like you so fuckin’ much, okay?” 

Dave squeezed Karkat’s hand, willing him to believe him. “I _thought_ you did, but fuck if I don’t know anything anymore.”

“I dooo. Full homo, I swear. Next year they’re gonna have to hold a separate pride parade just for how gay you make me feel, and they’ll need to block off the entire city of New York.”

“Hhhhhmmmmph. So why are you laughing at me, asshole.”

“It’s just—ha—we’re officially living the plot of one of your stupid movies.”

Karkat didn’t quite smile, but he no longer looked ready to commit murder. “Right down to you sleeping through half of it.”

“Hey, that’s not fair, dude. I’ve been pining my heart away this entire time, waiting for the grand love confession, and all I get is ‘we're in a romantic relationship?’ Where’s the sweeping confessions of romance?”

“Fine! I’ll give you a beautiful confession of romance guaranteed to knock your socks off!”

“My socks are still firmly on my feet. Don’t worry about makin’ me lose them; I’ve got a fresh pair lined up waiting at home.”

“Is that your way of inviting me back to your place at the end of this?”

Shit. Dave did not think this far ahead. Karkat had seen his room many times before, but knowing this was a date and the implications that followed… “Um…” Heat rose to Dave’s cheeks, and they sat in silence for a couple seconds. 

“Well, um…” Karkat looked down at where their hands were still connected, then met Dave’s eyes. “Uh. Here we go! You’re funny and ridiculous and caring. You’re the most and the least infuriating person I’ve ever met. I am constantly baraged by an avalanche of my own thoughts, and just hearing you ramble is enough to drive the torrent of my aggravating self-hating bullshit away for a while. You have an incredible smile, and I like when you take off your douchey shades so I can see how expressive your eyes are. You’re my best friend,” he said with an upturned quirk of his lips, his expression soft, as though he could look at Dave and never tire of it. “And you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me.” He placed a hand on Dave’s cheek and leaned in close. With a slight tremor in his voice, Karkat asked, “Can I kiss you?”

Dave could only make a strangled noise in response, and would have berated himself for losing his cool if he could process anything else besides the heat of Karkat’s hand and his breath intermingling with Dave’s own. _Fuck yes._ He managed to get out a “yeah,” and Karkat was so close that all he could make out was the mole underneath Karkat’s left eye and his eyelids fluttering shut as he leaned in and kissed Dave.

This was Dave’s fifth kiss; he had only kissed Terezi before when they had dated for a week back in middle school. Karkat, for all his bark, had far less bite than Terezi, pressing against his lips gently without even a hint of tongue. It wasn't perfect—their noses bumped together at first and the rims of Dave's shades were digging into his cheek—but it was nice. Really nice, especially when Karkat’s fingers tickled the nape of Dave’s neck, pulling him closer, and—oh—Dave was helpless to follow. Heat raced down his spine. The rest of the world faded away, narrowed down to _Karkat,_ who spent too much time picking raisins out of his trail mix, who could rant for hours about the most miniscule of topics, who cared too much about everything and was unashamed to show it. 

The few seconds the kiss lasted for were simultaneously the longest and the shortest of Dave’s life. Karkat pulled back, biting his bottom lip, eyes darting around them. Dave, transfixed by the slight sheen of Karkat's lips, licked his own. Karkat's face lit up and he lightly kicked at Dave’s feet. “So? Has the message gotten through to your impenetrable brain, or do I need to physically tattoo it on your skull?”

Dave kicked back, trying to coax Karkat into a game of footsie. “That’s. That was pretty fuckin’ gay.” 

“Congratulations. You may have, in fact, finally grasped the point of this entire fucking evening!”

Dave laughed. “I mean, I’m pretty gay. I don’t think I want to actually use a label for it, but right now I’m just really, really gay. Consider my socks successfully knocked off, dude. Best first kiss anyone’s gotten from their boyfriend in the history of dating. If we are boyfriends, I mean; we don’t have to put a label on it if that’s moving too fast. Not like I don’t mind chillin’ in the slow lane; if some asshole starts tailing us, we can just slow down to piss him off further.” Dave wasn’t certain where that metaphor was heading; Karkat thankfully cut him off.

“If I say we’re boyfriends, as I implied not ten minutes ago, will that go in one auditory canal and out the other, failing to make an impression on your psyche the way my words did when I called our trip to the movies a ‘date?’”

“No, I read you loud and clear, bro. Man. Dude. Fuck, babe?”

“Um.” Karkat’s face was so red, holy shit. It was adorable.

“Babe, then?”

“No! Absolutely—I mean, I don’t completely _hate_ it. Don’t expect me to start using nicknames for you, though; I have gone my entire life without calling anyone ‘babe,’ and I’m not about to start now. And I definitely wouldn’t mind repeating that kiss somewhere else with less people and maybe have it evolve into some sort of sloppy makeout session,” Karkat said, his expression bashful, “but I’m not big on PDA. Don’t take this the wrong way; I’m definitely not ashamed of dating you, but I don’t want to make a big announcement or have strangers privy to every detail of my romantic life.”

Dave thought of how every scrap of news of Dirk’s and Jake’s soap opera romance spread rapidfire around the school for a few weeks. “That’s kinda a relief. I thought that if we were dating, you’d be guns blazing to make a huge announcement over the intercoms.”

“What we have is no one’s business but our own,” said Karkat. He was beautiful in the way his eyes crinkled at the corners and his smile was imperfectly crooked. Their ankles were tangled together.

“I’m not arguing with that one. I mean, I do wanna tell people about _me_ eventually, ‘cause I’ve made some bullshit comments in the past I should probably own up to. And I don’t want to deny we’re together and people are going to realize eventually when we’ve been together for a while and wow I am thinking too far ahead probably, but yeah.”

“I’m not going to deny you the opportunity to come out at your own pace,” said Karkat. “I told Kanaya after we went on our first date—or what you failed to notice was our first date—but I swore her to secrecy. If you’re able to put up with me that long, we’re probably not going to hide everything from the other nosy bastards we call ‘friends.’”

“Cool. That’s just. Really great, honestly.” A moment of silence passed, then Dave groaned. “Shit, Rose is going to be so fucking smug. Jade, too. And Terezi and John… explaining this to him is going to be like a trip to the dentist, if cavities were repressed homosexuality and every single tooth needs a filling. But seriously, bro, I’ve put up with you for three years; there’s no way you’re getting rid of me that easily.”

Karkat laughed. “Is that a challenge?”

“You bet your ass it is now. We’re entrenched in this bitch now, Karkat. You and me, together forever. Better break out the dowry, ‘cause I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ matrimonial.” Dave’s mind caught up with his mouth and he realized what he was literally proposing. “Oh fuck. Can we forget those last couple sentences?”

“If we forget every embarrassing thing we both say, we’re never going to remember anything about our conversations.” 

“Heh. I guess that’s true.” They sat in silence, listening to the chirps of birds and rustling of people going about their business. The sun had sunk below the horizon, and a light autumn breeze tickled the back of Dave’s neck. A strand of hair fell over Karkat's eye, and Dave tucked it behind Karkat's ear, relishing in his shiver at the touch. “I really like our conversations,” Dave said, just to see Karkat’s flustered reaction.

Karkat flushed and he bit down on his lip as though to keep himself from smiling. “Me too.” 

Dave’s and Karkat’s phones buzzed simultaneously, their unread messages finally catching up with them. Karkat let out a bark of laughter, typed out a message, and showed Dave his phone screen. “Look who finally got their shit together.”

GA: !!!!  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Karkat This Is Urgent News I Know You Are On Your Date Right Now But This Is Important  
GA: Rose Agreed To Be My Girlfriend  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, KANAYA. I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU.

Dave looked at the timestamps; they were sent around the time Dave and Karkat left the restaurant, before Dave knew he and Karkat had _been_ dating. “Did Rose and Kanaya seriously get their shit together before we did?”

“And whose fault is that? But really, we can never let them know.”

Dave nodded in agreement and looked at his own messages. Firstly, from Terezi:

GC: YOU’R3 M1SS1NG OUT ON 4LL TH3 FUN, COOLK1D  
GC: 1 D1DN’T T4K3 TH1S P1CTUR3 OF JOHN BUT VR1SK4 ASSUR3S M3 H3 LOOKS HORR1BL3  
GC: 4DORK4BL3.JPG  
TG: hahaha thanks tz i can confirm he does thats going to be my new profile pic

Secondly, from Rose:

TT: As you probably know by now since Kanaya has informed me she messaged Karkat, we are now dating.  
TT: I’d gloat, but past experience has led me to believe you’d take that opportunity to remind me of every mistake I’ve made up to this point. So I’d just like to thank you for being so supportive.  
TT: Am I being sarcastic when I say that? You’ll never know.  
TT: Anyways, I know being in a new relationship is going to take up some time (and for your sake I’m hopefully not referring to just myself when I say that), but, in short: do you want to go to paintball next weekend? No significant others, no tagalongs, just you, me, John, and Jade.  
TG: ive already cleared my blank schedule  
TG: and at the risk of you being really fucking smug about it im risking my own death at your hands to tell you this  
TG: if i die tell john and jade i love them and tell dirk that hes not allowed to touch anything in my room  
TG: and this is me begging you to keep a secret because if karkat gets to tell one person so do i  
TG: karkat and i are dating

Thirdly, from John:

EB: terezi sucks so much and i don’t know why i hang out with her!  
EB: i’m pretty sure she poured punch down my shirt on purpose, and now she’s trying to make me dance with her and vriska  
EB: dsifeosfd  
EB: John will text you 8ack l8ter. He’s 8usy right now!  
TG: vriska if you kill my best bro i will be pressing charges

And lastly, from Jade:

GG: i hope youre having a good time with karkat and ignoring your other friends!  
GG: dont worry im just kidding  
GG: heres a good picture of john  
GG: punchbowl.jpg  
GG: and heres one of me and rose and kanaya! they make such a cute couple :D  
GG: dancingthroughlife.jpg  
GG: ill get a video too so you can hear how terrible the music is this year  
TG: im glad youre having a good time  
TG: and ill definitely see you next weekend for paintball with the squad even if vriska and tz have murdered john we can probably wrangle his ghost into showing up

“Hey, when’s the last time you talked to Jade?”

Karkat thought for a moment. “Huh. Fuck if I know.”

“Cool, we’re getting lunch with her next week then.”

TG: and maybe you can get lunch with me and karkat next week? he says he hasnt talked to you in awhile

“Are you going to tell them?” asked Karkat.

“I, uh, sorta already told Rose when I was freaking out about maybe asking you to make tonight a date, but I begged her not to tell anyone, so hopefully Rose and Kanaya can just gossip about it in private. And I might tell John and Jade about me next week if I don’t chicken out, and Dirk already knows about my not-so-subtle sexuality crisis, but I’m not going to tell any of them about the you variable in that equation for a little while. And then I’ll have to tell Roxy and Terezi and The Mayor and everyone else and let the shitshow unfold from there.”

“Well, if any of them says something stupid—well, that’s a given, except for The Mayor who we can absolutely tell because he deserves to know everything—so if anybody says something more idiotic than usual, let me know and I’ll shout at them until their fucking brains bleed out of their skulls.”

Dave snorted. “I’ll let you know when I need a knight in shining armor, dude. Do you wanna head out? I know you said you don’t like PDA and I’m feeling a huge surge of affection comin’ on; I dunno if I’ll be able to keep it in my pants for much longer.”

“If Kankri sees me coming in with you tonight, he’s going to lecture me about ‘protection’ again and I’m never going to get him to shut the fuck up, and Dad won’t let me leave the door closed if I bring a guest in this late. Is Dirk or your uncle home?”

“Dane doesn’t mind what time I get back as long as it’s before midnight and I let him know. He's got some sorta gig tonight. The dance wraps up in uhhh, a couple hours, I think, so Dirk might be home, but I can tell him to lay off and leave us to our ‘completely platonic’ movie watching and face-mashing and bro cuddles.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “Completely platonic face-mashing?”

Dave grinned. “No homo.”

Karkat groaned and buried his face in his hands, then stood up. “I’m not kissing you if you say that ever again,” he said. _Liar._ “But most of that sounded pretty great.”

Dave rose to his feet. It was dark, so not many people would see them or pay attention. He grabbed Karkat’s— _his boyfriend’s!_ —hand, reveling in the way their fingers slotted together. “Not too much?” 

“No. I really like this,” said Karkat, squeezing Dave’s hand, and they walked side-by-side out of the park and into a new beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> The Mayor is a school janitor who befriended Dave and Karkat their freshman year (they're juniors); he earned the nickname for his love of building model towns in the custodian's room. Dave and Karkat may have skipped Homecoming, but there’s no way Dave’s getting out of prom and he knows it. Karkat does a private elaborate promposal and they both cry. 
> 
> This was part of a fic that was also going to have Rose and Kanaya dance around going to Homecoming together, but I decided to try to expand a different idea into a long fic instead. If you want to read a Davekat + Rosemary fic with Rose & Karkat and Dave & Kanaya fake dating, the first chapter for that is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888191). 
> 
> And [here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/11WH6aHkCVNvsHDVxNyNIf?si=Sy0s1WRCTheNXuNkKKsNZQ) a Davekat playlist I made composed entirely of songs from musicals.
> 
> Here’s snippet that was originally part of this fic:  
> “It’s a pity I didn’t get to paint your nails. They’d look lovely in a shade of green that matches your lipstick. And your eyes.” Of course, Rose used this statement as an excuse to grab Kanaya’s hand and stare deeply into her eyes. Dave was almost surprised she didn’t touch Kanaya’s face to make her point as well.  
> “Oh, um,” said Kanaya. “I suppose we’ll just have to do this again in a couple days. Though I do have a habit of chewing on my nails, so it probably won’t last for long on me.”  
> “Then we should do this again the following week,” said Rose. “Or I can paint your toenails.”  
> “That sounds like a toe-tally great idea,” Kanaya said, and Rose snorted.


End file.
